Severus Snape and the Updated Resume
by Perminator
Summary: Severus Snape updates his resume - well, if you can...uh...call it that.
1. Solitaire and the Numerous Children

It was a bright and sunny day in wherever Hogwarts was located. The birds   
were singing, the octopus in the lake was eating children at will, and Severus Snape   
was playing solitaire on his desk.  
  
"Oooh, I'm almost there!" He said to himself, "I just need that damn King of   
Hearts!"  
  
Then, there was a knock on the door to his office.  
  
"Can't you see the sign that says no solicitors?" He yelled, not wanting to be   
disturbed.  
  
"Sorry to disappoint you," said the visitor, "but I have a pressing matter I want   
to discuss with you."  
  
Snape rolled his eyes. It was Albus Dumbledore, and he probably was going   
to ask him about what kind of decorations he would suggest for the Christmas dinner.  
  
"Come in," Snape yelled, but Dumbledore had already been standing there   
for a minute or two.  
  
"As you know," Dumbledore started, "We are in a financial crisis here..."  
  
Snape interrupted him, "If you cut back my salary anymore, I will have to pay   
you to be here."  
  
Dumbledore chuckled to himself, "Well, you're on the right track. We're   
cutting out the potions program all together, so we have no need for you."   
With a flick of his wand, all of Snape's possessions in his office disappeared, and they both were  
left sitting on the floor.  
  
"Well, do I at least get pension or a retirement fund?" Snape asked.  
  
"Oh come on, I'm six times older than you and I don't even qualify for retirement,   
what makes you think you are?"  
  
Snape, running out of financial ideas, quickly asked, "Well, don't these kids need   
potions?"  
  
"Severus, come on, you of all people should know that no one really uses potions.   
When someone is in a sticky situation, do they think to themselves 'Oh, I better go make   
a potion!'?"  
  
"Yes, well, I mean I do, of course."  
  
"My point exactly."  
  
"Oh, fine," Snape picked up his deck of cards scattered on the floor and left.   
  
  
  
Snape walked up to the owlery, grabbed Hedwig, and scribbled a letter:  
  
Dear Mommy,  
Haw haw. I got budget cut. Please prepare my old bedroom for me. I promise I will   
help cook dinner, if we can reach that agreement.  
Love always,  
Pooky  
  
  
That ought to keep her busy, he thought to himself. He apperated, hoping to end   
up at his mother's house.  
  
"Okay, I'll send this emergency letter to Sirius!" Harry came running up to the   
owlery, yelling at his friends behind him. "Hey, where's Hedwig?"  
  
  
  
Luckily, after not using it for a couple of years, Severus apperated in the house  
he grew up. Unfortunately, he appeared in the bathroom.  
  
"Pooky! Get out of here!" yelled his mother, "I mean, I'll welcome you when  
I get out."  
  
He stepped outside the door, and to his surprise, he saw 10 children looking at   
him with surprise.  
  
"Who are you?" One pointed with cake all over his finger.  
  
"I live here now, who are you?"  
  
"Uh huh, we live here, you can't live here."  
  
"Of course I can live here, why are you living here? Mom! Why is there children   
everywhere?"  
  
"Oh, Pooky, your father and I decided to adopt homeless kids. Those are your   
non-biological brothers and sisters."  
  
"Ewww," one of the girls yelled, "You are old enough to be our great-grandfather!"  
  
Severus heard the toilet flush, and then his mother stepped out of the bathroom.   
  
"Now, Pooky, why did you get fired?"  
  
"Mom, I didn't get fired. I was laid off."  
  
"Sure you were, so, why were you laid off?"  
  
"Well, there was budget problems, and Voldemort keeps coming. Hell..." All the kids gasped.  
"...we can't even find a decent Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher anymore."  
  
Severus was now in tears.   
  
"Now, now," his mother consoled him, "What does that   
have to do with you?"  
  
"They said potions were useless!"  
  
"That's okay, I'm sure anyone will die to hire you."  
  
A smile came over his tearful face, "Good thinking mommy, do you the classified   
ads?"  
  
His mother took him to the den. There she picked up an odd looking newspaper.   
"Your dad and I started selling newspapers, and this seems to be the only paper we have left   
everyday. I'm sure they have classified ads somewhere."  
  
He unraveled the paper to find it called the Denver Post. "Where is Denver Post?"  
  
His mother thought for a second. "Well, I'm not sure. I'm beginning to think it   
doesn't exist."  
  
Severus pulled out the classified ads and began to skim through the 'Help Wanted' section.   
He saw interesting jobs as beer wench for the Pepsi Center, Swedish masseuse, bodyguard, and  
taste tester for Coors brewery, but then he saw one that really caught his eye:  
  
WANTED:  
Jobs offered to a man, entering his mid-life crisis, with good hands,   
a knack with handling people's personal problems. Plenty of travel  
involved. Needs to know how to 'encourage' people.  
  
  
He thought to himself, I have all of those qualities. The only problem was how to get a   
hold of these people.  
  
"Mother, you're smart. How am I supposed to get a hold of them?"  
  
"Pooky, I don't know. Ask one of those kids, they know more than I do."  
  
  
I don't know, kind of shitty isn't it? Well, read and review, please! I promise, if you bug   
me, I'll post the rest and you'll learn what he wants to apply for. Flames if you want (but I don't  
encourage them)!  
  
Oh yes. All the Harry Potter characters belong to JK Rowling, and the Pepsi Center belongs to   
Denver, so does the Denver Post.  
  
And this was my first story, so don't think I'm some genius who lost all her writing skills, lol.  



	2. An Interview With a Barnhard

*DISCLAIMER* No offense to anyone if (I dare say) you live in St. Clair, Missouri. Both my grandparents live there, so it makes it easy to make fun of...The only person I don't own in this story is Snape. As for Jaromir Jagr, well, you get the idea. R/R!  
  
After thinking silently to himself, Severus picked a kid with sandy blonde hair, and one green eye, one blue eye.  
  
"Hi, there little buddy! What's your name?" Severus tried his nice voice, but it didn't seem to work.  
  
The kid stepped on his foot, 'My name is Yannick! Any if you don't like that, you can kiss my..."  
  
"Now, now, we don't need to get...uh...angry. I just need to know how to get a hold of them," He showed Yannick the wanted ad.  
  
Yannick began laughing. "That's easy, just point your wand at your head and say 'syphillis' and you'll be there in an instant!" Severus didn't know whether to trust the little runt or not. Then he realized that he didn't have much to lose, so he pointed his wand at his head.  
  
"Syphillis!" Before he could even open his eyes, to see if he was dead or not, he was in a waiting room by himself.  
  
"Hi. Are you here for the job interview?" An old lady with as Southern Missouri accent asked.  
  
"Sure, why not." The lady led him into a room with fake wood walls and cheap spelling bee thropheys along the walls. There a man, whom looked like he was in his late fifties, sat playing with a Jaromir Jagr action figure (Yes, I do not like him!).  
  
"Howdy! Are you here for the interview?" The man asked.  
  
"Well," Snape replied, "Why else would I be here?"  
  
The man chuckled, "You have a good sense of humor, boy. Are you from around this area?"  
  
He thought for a second, "Sure."  
  
The man looked at him oddly, "Yes, you Denverites are sure something. Woo wee! Anyway, I be Chuck Barnhard. I'm sure you know I own Barnhard's Carnival, and we be located in St. Clair, Missouri."  
  
"What the hell are you doing recruiting in Denver, if you're out of, wherever you said?"  
  
Chuck laughed, "Woo wee! You are going to be one great addition...if you meet the requirements." They sat in silence for a second, and Chuck was expecting a witty remark.  
  
'Damn,' Snape thought to himself. 'Why didn't I go for the Swedish masseuse? Women who get massages don't say woo wee. They say, hot damn Severus my dear, you're getting close. Lower, lower, no, ever lower than that...'  
  
Chuck then broke his thoughts, "Well, let's get on with the interview."  
  
"Haven't we started it already?"  
  
"Boy, don't confuse me. Anyway, question #1, what is your name?"  
  
For a second, he thought of using his real name, but then he realized Americans don't like to enteract with people whom have confusing names, "Kevin Spacey."  
  
"Well, Kevin, what do you consider as your talents?"  
  
For this, Severus had to think as an American again, "Chugging, looking at nude pictues of Jennifer Lopez, scratching my crotch, complaining about Dubya, and yes, watching baseball games on the televi...I mean TV."  
  
Chuck smiled, "You're the most talented man I've talked for 30 years! Okay, #3, what is your age?"  
  
He thought, for a while, on what age he could pass as, and then he didn't care, because it's not like Chuck-o could tell the difference, "10."  
  
"10? My, my, looks like you grew up before the other boys! Haw haw!"  
  
Thinking of a quick comeback, he said, "Plus eight! Yes, I got you there!"  
  
Chuck let out a little laugh, "Yes you did. So, #4, if you could be anything what would you be?"  
  
He wanted to say Swedish masseuse, but he knew better than that, "I would be an on the All-American football team, sir!"  
  
"What position?"  
  
"Uh, quarterback."  
  
"Good, good, you're hired. The season starts next week, our first will be the Franklin County Fair. We'll ride the mobile homes to good 'ole Missouri."  
  
Snape thought to himself, 'God damn, what did you get yourself into now?'  
  
"Uh, sir, before I leave, what position will I be...uh...stationed at?"  
  
Chuck smiled, "You will be in charge of the knock down the milk bottle game."  
  
***  
  
"So, Pooky, did you get the job?" Mrs. Snape asked when he apperated home.  
  
"Unfortunatly, yes. Mummy, I don't think this job is good for me. Do you think it's too late? I want to be a Swedish masseuse."  
  
"Well, Pooky, I'm sure the School Board will get enough money raised soon to get the Potions classes back, and then you can just not show up to work. That's what your fath..."  
  
"Well, goodnight, mummy." He kissed his mom on the cheek, "I'm going to bed, this wil be a long waiting period."  
  



End file.
